Something Worse Than Longing
by Eliza4892
Summary: MeredithMark. Some people might say they were moving on. That was how it looked to someone on the outside. But really, they weren't.


It was substitution. The one thing she wanted most was the one thing she could never truly have. It was the same way for him and that made her feel better about what she was doing. If they were both thinking about different people then no one could really say she was using him now could they.

She didn't look at him, not when he kissed her or when he pushed into her. Meredith simply closed her eyes because she knew id she opened them it would ruin the façade and they would have to stop. That was the one thing wrong with this whole equation. His mannerisms were similar to Derek's; they even ordered the same drink (double scotch, single malt). She wondered who's they were originally, Derek's or his. Maybe they were always like that, even before they were best friends. But the one thing that could bring everything crashing down was the look in his eyes. It wasn't how Derek looked at her; there was no love there, just lust. So she kept her eyes closed.

He was no doubt thinking of Addison during their trysts. He was in love with her, and therefore stuck in the same position as Meredith, except with a different Shepherd. Because of that they understood each other. Meredith didn't think she was anything like Addison was in bed but then again she wouldn't really know. Whatever the case it seemed to work for Mark so she let sleeping dogs lie. No need to bring up the truth and ruin something that was working just fine the way it was.

It wasn't something they had meant to start up. He had been in Joe's bar a few weeks after what had been one very disasterous prom. Derek was still with Addison. The night in the exam room hadn't changed much. She had given it up as a lost case. He must have done the same thing. Both had too much to drink.

When he hit on her this time Derek wasn't there to punch him and her sobriety wasn't there to put an end to things before they got into something that was akin to playing with fire. She could feel Joe's gaze fall on her periodically through the night, as if watching her to see if she was going to make a stupid move or not. It was near midnight, and Joe was going to cut them both off soon she knew, when he'd suggested they take this to his hotel room. She refused, instead bringing him back to her house. The hotel felt cheap and dirty.

It was only a one time thing, or at least that's what she told herself as they stumbled through the front door, mindful of the others who were supposedly upstairs asleep. Izzie's door was wide open, meaning she was off doing whatever it was she had been doing to cope lately, and George's empty room told her he was out at Callie's. That knowledge lifted all restraint from her, and she was pretty sure she cried out when she came. She managed to keep Derek's name from passing through her lips but it was still heavy on her mind.

After that it just kept happening. Usually on the days when she really missed Derek she would come to the bar and eventually he would show up as if he read her mind. She never questioned how he knew but from the look in his eyes she could see that he missed Addison just as much. She let out all of her frustrations as she let her nails scratch down his back and he slammed into her so hard it should've hurt. But the pain felt good. It felt like anger and jealousy and sadness all rolled into one. It felt like freedom.

Addison might have had an inkling of what was going on but if she did she didn't say anything. She was probably just relieved that it wasn't Derek she was screwing now. Derek on the other hand was completely oblivious and that was probably for the better. If he found out then she would have to deal with the hurt expression he would inevitably end up wearing and she wasn't strong enough for that kind of confusion. She didn't know what he expected her to do anymore. He'd made it pretty clear he was staying with Addison regardless of what they did or didn't have. It wasn't like she was going to stand around and pine for him all day. Meredith was many things but she was not pathetic.

They never went on dates. It didn't make sense since they'd always just end up in bed. They didn't have much in common other than being in love with one half of a couple that just wouldn't call it quits. They were both the dirty mistresses. Some days she wondered if they really even liked each other. Quirks that were cute on Derek were annoying on him and he often times reminded her of Alex. And not in a good way.

Over time they stopped needing to be drunk to make it work. He found his place on the speed dial of her cell phone. She got used to sex in a hotel room because it was just too risky to do it at her place anymore. But she still never opened her eyes and he never threaded his fingers through her hair because it would never be as full and red as Addison's.

Some people might say they were moving on. That was how it looked to someone on the outside. Really though, they weren't. What they were doing was almost worse than if they were both alone and pining over Derek or Addison. It was through this role play of sorts that they managed to convince themselves, if only for a short time, that they had what they wanted, who they wanted. They weren't letting go of the past, they were holding on and showing no signs of stopping.


End file.
